the balance

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Sometimes I think I am home to a paradox. On one hand, I desire nothing more that the space and comfort to read and to write, to watch films, to listen to and to play music, to sing songs and go for walks and cook interesting food. On the other, I desire to share, to listen, to be heard and to experience life with others. The thought of working on Monday or ‘enforced’ time with others, of being ‘on show’ as a good example, of duty…. it is not appealing.

I feel like I am free to do what I will, up until 8.30am on Monday morning, and then it becomes duty and I am subject to the whims and petty desires and grievances of others.

I often feel drained by the challenge of this paradox, because both extremes require time. The time of being with others, and the time of just being, which in turn enables me to be with others…  I feel a pressure to project a particular aspect of my being – positive and engaging – while at the same time not projecting or expressing all sorts of other thoughts and feelings – because it is my duty, because of the effect or response it may elicit from others.

If I hide awayand see no one or if I am constantly with others, I become tired, cynical, boring… and listless.

Is it possible to do both?

Living at ‘God-speed’

To be a spiritual guide, you have to spend time in the spirit. You have to slow down and live at ‘God-speed’, you have to be patient, give yourself permission to pray, to listen to people and to be humble and willing to wait on the Holy Spirit to lead the way.

Contemplative Youth Ministry by Mark Yaconelli

I am a spiritual guide to some people. This passage stopped me in my tracks, prompting the question ‘Am I enabling myself to be a spiritual guide?’

I do wait for God to guide me – I’m really good at the waiting… possibly less good at the doing.

I try to be the person that I am before God much of the time. I do get swayed though. I am not always confident enough to continue to be me-before-God in some situations, like in meetings at work or where I am aware of expectations on me.

Again with the listening: when I am being me-before-God and being present, I listen well. If I have an agenda or am aware of an agenda, I almost become distracted by that agenda, to the point I do not listen so well.

‘Give myself permission to pray’… sometimes taking time to pray can seem like an extravagance, especially when there is so much else to do, or I’ve prayed as a ‘duty’ with others already. To then pray personally can sometimes seem like overkill, or I just go through the motions again.

Do I slow down and live at ‘God-speed’? No. I live at speed imposed by other – managers at work or duty towards others (friends, family, people who need my help…). Except for those moments where I plan what is going to happen – which may or may not work. Then things happen at God speed, or live can slow down and become lived at God speed.

But when I live structured around God, around prayer, then I do live at God speed. I find that I worry less and live more. Things happen that I do not expect or predict, and yet, somehow, they are always the right thing at exactly the right time. And I am reminded of the verse from Matthew’s Gospel:

Seek first God’s kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Easter or Spring?

With Easter being so early this year, the traditional two week Easter holiday time is all over the place.Some schools are sticking with the usual Easter holiday– the week before and the week after Easter Sunday. Other schools had a long weekend around Easter Sunday (so Friday – Monday off) and are having a Spring Break – 10 days or 2 weeks off, starting either this week or next week. For the rest of us, it essentially means that April is going to be a really quiet month. I’m finding it all really strange, because at work, we’re essentially having a 6 week holiday period, with different people off at different times. Everything is in flux. I’m really not sure what is going on.Feeling kind of listless.